You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
