im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
