Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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