I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
