If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
