Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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