worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
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