Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
