I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
