We're facebook friends in real life
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
