i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Randomize
