WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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