he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
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