dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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