apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
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