I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
Randomize
