So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
