$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize
