i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
