did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
