dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
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