he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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