there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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