I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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