Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
