i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
