In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Im part way to drunk.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
