You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
