Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
