i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
Randomize
