Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
