The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
