his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
