Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
Randomize
