rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
this hospital has no fireball
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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