I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
