I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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