i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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