I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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