Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
