i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
