He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
