It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
