Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
