I wish I could teleport
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
