You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
