the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
