I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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