Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
