you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
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just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
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Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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