i was rollin on her like bob the builder
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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