Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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