We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
