I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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