On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
