he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
