Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
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My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
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If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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